Uh, I don't know why I am doing this, I am probably being too honest, not that anyone I know would actually just stumble across this, but eh.
It feels good also, therapeutic in a way.
There is something about writing like this on the internet, it is possible to be more honest and clear about your thoughts and feelings, a bit like how they say you should write a letter then wait, read it again the next day and decide whether you want to send it.
It's not like I don't tell my friends everything, at least I almost do, I have maybe 3 precious ladies in my life who I tell just about everything to, but sometimes it is best to hide a bit of your crazy, make sure they think you're stronger, less messed up in the head so they still know they can lean on you without crushing you.
That's another way I justify not being keen on a relationship, my relationship is my friends, if I couldn't be there for them then I would lose a lot of who I am.
Maybe when it comes to vocations and life callings, mine is to just be a really good friend, who can dish out pretty fabulous advice if I do say so myself but can't quiet sort her own shit out.
Is it possible to have this without a relationship.
I'd love to sit in bed thinking, next to a beautiful boy as he reads Hemingway and smokes a cigarette. The problem is to get this level of intimacy you need sex which for me would mean feelings which would mean inevitable hurt.
Being hurt scares the hell out of me, I've seen hurt, I've been hurt and so I do my best to avoid it by avoiding feeling's all together.
Sometimes I think I'm a bit dramatic, that sentence "I've been hurt" is silly, how could I have been hurt, I've never even been in an exclusive relationship, I've just had a lot of nearly's that have fucked up for one reason or another.
Sometimes, probably more often then not it has been because I thing WAY too much. When I was younger I would consider the practicality of me liking a boy, What is his career ambitions? How many children does he want? Would our children be lovely? Now I think less about that stuff and more about When is he going to stop thinking I'm cute? When will my habits start to annoy him? When will he realise I am hopelessly unoriginal? It's only a matter of time and I've already got my foot out the door.
I was so naive then but you know what they say, ignorance is bliss, I still believed in happily ever after back then, all of that is kind of shot to hell now.
I've some how convinced myself that boys don't love the way girls do. They don't fall for a girl the way I have fallen for boys in the past. In a consuming, you don't see anyone else but them kind of way.
Thinking this I've stopped myself from getting that way about a boy, there is no point sinking into that spiral of hurt when what is likely to happen is he will kiss you then go home and fuck his ex, then a month later end up falling in love with a frustratingly lovely girl who you know you would kind of want to be best friends with in any other circumstance.
The problem is I generally will like the boy's that don't like me, and when they do like me I get turned off. Do you see the predicament here? I am so conscious of this but I still can't seem to do anything about it.
I am so aware of the psychology behind this, I have these "intimacy issues" because of all the males I have encountered in my life and it's something you can't just switch off for it has been 21 years in construction.
It leads me to thinking and almost accepting that I will be forever alone, just having a nearly followed by an almost but never a completely over and over again.
And that is OK, most days, until I see a picture like this and think, is it possible to have this without a relationship?
But of course I already know the answer.
"Look, I just fucking... love you. I love you and I don't wanna play it cool anymore because I would eat my own fingers just to look at your face. I will be your dog or your human mannequin, I'll do anything you say, I just... want you."
I have two mind sets when it comes to Valentine's day, one is the 'if I could run across the beach into my own arms I would' with sentiments similar to the incredibly poetic Pussy Cat Dolls number- 'I Don't Need a Man' (Note the heavy sarcasm) because really at this point in my life at 21 I really don't NEED a man. At some point I definitely do WANT to NEED a man, but given recent dramas and past experiences I'm quite content to live without that added complication.
This year, 2012 is about me, about being selfish and not thinking too seriously or dedicating myself to one individual.
At the same time I am aware that this view point will quickly change as soon as I meet someone worth changing that view for. Not that I haven't met some delightful males in the past year, but at this point I'm happy not to take any of it too seriously.
My second view point however is that, yes I don't want to be in a relationship and flowers won't make me happy... but damnn it would be nice to receive a suprise like that, when all these other loved up couples are enjoying heart shaped chocolates and rose petals on their sheets it would be nice to show them that there is still some green in the single sides grass. The mystery, the excitement, the curiosity, the ego boost of someone sending you some anonymous appreciation that also says I don't need anything in return I just wanna say yeh you're single but girl you still got some stuff going oooon.
So I guess the motivation for my second view is to fight off any pity that my coupled friends have towards me, without having to say 'no really I'm fine' and still receive there sceptical looks.
Even so today the 14 th of February 2012, I am reasonably content that the only flowers I received were from my sister and were of the baking flour variety cos hey we may not have an exclusive male on your arm but atleast we've still got our sense of humour.
"When artist Jacqui Stockdale embarks on a portrait of her long time muse Rose, we witness the changing nature of love within the creative process."
This image shows Jacqui's hand and the back of he neck in the foreground, the woman in the back is Rose her muse. Watching this documentary I went through this roller-coaster of desiring the position of a muse to fearing the idea entirely, to finishing somewhere in between. Through the 25 minutes you see the original beauty of their relationship, the trust, the adventures, the risks, the games, the desire and the love. However as it comes to the more recent day as Rose is in her car travelling to visit Jacqui, you witness her practised confidence to hide her nerves, then they see each other and they fall back into this playful game. However the game seems less fun, things have changed, they have changed and grown apart. They had loved before each other and have loved after each other and the love that was there is not the same as it used to be. In a way Jacqui seems cruel at times and you can tell Rose's hurt, although you recognise Jacqui's motives, unwilling to pretend things are the same as the used to be because that, in the end would be more hurtful.
The change and the hurt just makes me wonder is too much adoration at once damaging because it is unsustainable to be forever intoxicated by someone. Much like alcohol can the intoxication become so addictive that giving it up entirely is the only option?